Couples Reviews

This is about a lesbian bar owner who wants to fire a bitchy bartender.

Porn Peeve #1: Porn-licking: sticking one’s tongue out so that the camera can see the length of her tongue. It’s not like real people would lick something if they weren’t on camera.

I get turned off by seeing porn actors spit on each others’ genitals. That type of spitting, even if it’s "rough and aggressive sex" is, at least in my opinion, reserved for disgracing one’s enemies or trying one’s best to thoroughly insult someone. I mean, if you want to use saliva to lube something up (definitely a good idea), spit on your hand, slopper onto your fingers… anything but "ptooey" on your lovers’ bits. That’s just me, though.

The first scene has a nifty purple, sparkly vibrator with a gun handle. Neato. The bar owner is bent nicely over a desk getting it from behind. There’s some high heel sucking and foot fetish action. Again, more porn-licking. Next, the bartender gets it with a ribbed black vibrator that looks very much like a billy-club or police baton.

The bitchy (and drunk) band chicks make some snappy remarks to the drunk (soon to be fired) bartender, who gets pissed, calls them bitches and locks them in the bar for the night. How convenient for our next scene!

Both these chicks have massive fakies and get it on in various positions around the empty bar. A finger creeps into an asshole in an up-close scene, which is very nice. If you’re into stripper chicks in clubwear and 9" heels, you’ll like this flick. It quickly becomes decision time, and one of them chooses a pink, ribbed dong which she sucks like a cock and gets titty fucked with it before there’s even more "ptooey" spitting onto otherwise beautiful, smooth pussies. It kind of saddens me, but I’ll try not to dwell on this peeve of mine much longer. I might, but I’ll try not to.

Cut to the next scene, where our bitchy bartender chick answers the phone to hear her longtime girlfriend saying she’ll be over soon. Seconds later (she was on the phone outside) she crashes through the window and onto our bitchy bartender. A "pizza girl" shows up, who’s actually a paid hooker, and the lesbian three-way ensues! Menage’ a-Pepperoni! There’s some nice ass-to-ass double-dong manipulation in this scene. If you like a female hand jiggling a big black double-dildo between a pair of pussies, you’ll really dig this scene. There are fake orgasms for everyone, too. Out comes the Polaroid for "another one to add to the collection" for the girls’ photo album.

The next scene is a three-way also, and takes place in the bar’s bathroom. Menage’ a-TidyBowl! There’s a lot of grunting and multiple finger penetration, and the fingering gets somewhat rough at times. Ptooey! (Dammit sorry, I’m bitching again). What makes little sense to me in this scene is that the bitchy bartender’s friend busts into the bathroom scene, fully clothed and with a Polaroid. She begins snapping some pictures without any explanation, and these women "caught in the act" actually laugh and pose for her. She exits stage left and the three-some continues. Weird.

Ah now it makes sense! One of the chicks in the bathroom is the bartender, and when the bar owner comes out and asks, "Where’s my bartender?" bitchy bartender shrugs. Right away, owner says "Well, guess you got your job back." Now THAT’S an award-winning plot!

Cut to the next scene with a two-some, seemingly with no segue or explanation whatsoever. Who cares, really? They’re really getting into each other, and it looks like one chick’s attempting to make the other have a squirting G-spot orgasm. Maybe she’s doing it wrong on purpose, but no squirting happens. Then– Yay, a strapon! It’s a sickly-looking shade of gangrene, though. I can get over it. At times it resembles a strapon Vlassic pickle.

As far as couples-friendliness goes, it’s not too bad. I got turned on a few times, but honestly was rather put off by the ptooey-spitting and completely unromantic nature of the film. The bodies were varied between skinny-chick with massive-fakies to rather naturally plump girls with real titties. I wasn’t completely disappointed, but was left a bit more flacid than with other movies we’ve seen. I bet Cecilia can make up for that, though…

Girl Crazy at Adult DVD Empire

When a movie starts out with a warning that says "Sexual activities depicted in this DVD may be medically harmful," etc, you know you’re in for something, well, out of the ordinary.

Sin City’s Girl Crazy is an all-girl fest with some of the kinkier, crazier lesbian acts two (or more) girls can do with/to each other.

We begin the movie at a bar, where a girl band is putting on a devilishly kick-ass show. We cut to Dru Berrymore and Amythiest Stone in the back room. Dru, playing the bar owner, is bitching about one of her employees. Amaythiest tells her she’s hot when she’s angry, and the girls get it on. They start with high heel worship and toe sucking, quickly escalating to zealous dildo action– Amythiest fucks Dru with this crazy vibrator that looks like a big purple gun, then Dru fucks Amythiest with a long black vibe that looks like a night stick.

The next scene has the drunken bartender, played by Nicole Sheridan, getting in a fight with her boss, then getting sexually rejected by two of the band members (Summer Cumming and Tanya Danielle). Nicole storms out in a fit of anger, leaving the two band girls alone. Both of the girls have massive– I mean MASSIVE– fake tits. They get wild with anilingus and dildos.

We’re now with Nicole again, who gets a phone call from her best friend, Holly Hollywood. Holly shows up at Nicole’s house, but they’re quickly interrupted by TJ Hart playing a pizza girl. Wouldn’t you know that the three girls start fucking each other wildly? This scene has plenty more toy action, including a nice doulbe dildo part between Holly and TJ with Nicole fucking them both.

Now we go back to the bar, where we realize Nicole has been fired from her bartending job. She’s been replaced by Callie Cox, who somehow ends up in the bathroom with two other girls. They have a threesome right in the bathroom, spending most of the time right on the toilet itself. There’s a bunch more toy action (who knew that bar bathrooms had so many sex toys in them?).

While Callie is getting fucked in the bathroom, Dru (the bar owner) goes to check up on things and realizes that no one is tending bar. Luckily, Nicole happens to be sitting right there and she gets her job back. Yay!

Magically, we are transported the to final scene between Samantha Sterlying and Kayla Paige. They fuck in some back bar room, getting off on an extended strap-on scene. The strap-on is a nice touch, making it one of the better scenes in my opinion.

The good stuff: Scenes are nice and long and involve loads of different action (pussy eating, rim jobs, fingering, lots of toys).

That said, I’ve got to point out a personal turn-off. I do not understand this porn phenomenon of people spitting on each others’ parts. These chicks were spitting on each other constantly. It became a running "Ptooey!" joke between me & Alain.

There are also a lot of fake boobs in Girl Crazy, just so you’re aware.

Overall, not a bad lesbian flick, and at only $10, you get a lot for your money.

Girl Crazy at Adult DVD Empire