Couples Reviews

Me and my girlfriend found your site a few weeks ago and we check it out together all the time. Now we’ve got a problem and we figured we would write you guys to see what you think.

We read the Dirty Talk article Alain wrote a while back and we got to talking about our sex life and my girlfriend admitted that she’s been faking it for a while now. We’ve been dating for a couple years so it was a big surprise. Needless to say, I feel like a total asshole but what is really important is that I figure out how to give her an orgasm for real as soon as possible. My girlfriend is pretty open minded so we are really looking forward to your advice. What do you think?

Firstly, thanks for the kind words. We have a ball with this site and appreciate you and your girlfriend’s interest.

This is an extremely typical situation you’re in, so don’t feel like you’re alone. There are more cliches out there surrounding the “all women fake it” routine than any of us, collectively, could shake sticks at, and I’m sure you know that.

You may be feeling like “a total asshole” as much because of the same social norms perpetrated on you by our culture as your girlfriend might feel from having faked her so-called orgasms all this time.

These times we’re living in are fraught with so many ridiculous concepts like, “I’m not as much of a man if I don’t have a 10″ cock,” “My tits are too small so I’m not sexy,” “My cumshot is not voluminous enough so my partner must not think my orgasm felt good,” etc, etc.

Orgasms for women are elusive things. Even though you and your lady’ve been together for long enough to have “found it,” you shouldn’t feel bad that you haven’t yet. This may be a great thing to have learned about your lover, for it should give you both renewed interest in finding “it.”

I have no REAL advice for you on HOW to give YOUR girlfriend a real orgasm. Sorry if this is a downer, but it’s true. All women are different. Some reach orgasm from a stiff breeze against their nipples while others require a song, dance, dinner, 2 carats, ancient wine and poetry.

What I do recommend though, is to keep your lines of communication open. Have sex with the lights on and have her guide you to where it feels good for her. Be gentle when she says to ease up, and lay it on really hard when she tells you to. It’s her body and she knows it best, and if you present yourself as a willing and PATIENT pupil of her anatomy, then you can make your search for her magic spot a fun and enjoyable one.

Don’t worry. In fact, be glad that she loves you enough to be honest with you now, even if she hadn’t been in the past. Don’t blame her for that, either, because most women are subconsciously taught to believe that men really want to see a woman orgasming all the time… because it makes the guy “more of a man.”

That’s bullshit, by the way, right along with “size is all that matters.”

Good luck to you both, and keep us posted.

Got a question for us? Email us at webmaster@couplesreviews.com

First, thanks so much for writing us. We’re not doctors or sex therapists, so this is just my own experience talking now.

I totally feel for your girlfriend (and not in a sexual way). I’ve been able to masturbate to orgasm since I was 12, but when it came to actual intercourse later in life, I faked it FOREVER. In fact, I’d only had one orgasm with a partner for my whole adult sex life, until I met Alain. And even then, it took probably 6 or 7 months for me to finally have an orgasm with him. And it wasn’t him, it was me.

I think for many women, the inability to have an orgasm during sex is a mix of trust issues, technique, self-esteem, and a little self-consciousness all together.

You’ve got to understand that no matter what impression you get from the media, women’s sexuality is still taboo in many ways. While we celebrate women’s orgasm in Cosmo and Sex and the City, orgasm is the ultimate in vulnerability and loss of control. Women are “supposed” to be vulnerable and emotional– but we’re also supposed to always have it together, always act and look perfect. Puke.

Anyhow, diatribe aside, don’t take the fake orgasms personally. She’s not trying to be malicious in any way. She’s probably doing it to make you feel like a stud, and that’s not such a bad thing. However, she’s probably feeling like it’s what you want to see, and you’ve got to find a way to take away that pressure as a couple.

So, my first piece of advice is DO NOT push it. You say you want to get her real orgasm “as soon as possible.” Let go of that now, or you’ll be disappointed. It’s probably going to be a long-ish process to hit the big O in bed.

My second piece of advice is communicate, communicate, communicate. Pick her brain about what she likes. Do a lot of listening and asking. Respond to her desires with more questions. You’ll probably be surprised at the kinds of things she likes and wants to try.

From there, you’ll just have to practice in the bedroom. Damn. I definitely recommend spending a lot of time on foreplay. A lot of time. And when you think you’re done, keep going. Let her decide when it’s time for intercourse.

I also strongly recommend you make the first few sessions after your talk totally about experimenting– no pressure for orgasm for her OR you. Yes, that means you might not get your rocks off. And when you’re through those first few sessions, keep on talking. Girls like to talk.

And of course, I can’t say it enough– relax. And do what it takes to make her feel at ease.

Now, since I had the same issue as your girlfriend, I’ll tell you that a major component to my ultimate orgasmic success was that Alain was the first man I’d slept with that actually seemed to give a shit about my pleasure. I never faked it with him, he knew I had trouble letting go, and he was 100% patient and understanding and communicative.

I was determined, though, to get over my inhibitions and finally have an orgasm with someone other than my hand. I had a book recommended to me– For Yourself, by Lonnie Barbach.

This book is mainly for women, and it’s focused on helping her feel comfortable with her body and sexuality, but there’s advice for her to get comfortable having orgasms with a partner. Just for you guys, I’ll review that for you soon because they helped me tremendously.

In the meantime, just relax, be patient, don’t take it personally– and get in the sack, for god’s sake!

Got a question for us? Email us at webmaster@couplesreviews.com